Friday, January 04, 2008
2007 just ended. suddenly had a thinking telling me, ' i went thru January to December not that easily den comes January again. =x lOls. Stupid thinking uh?
Our first Chalet with him, her, them, they was really fun! especially countdown n when we are starting to have our steamboat. "kai dong lahhs!" with the claps, laughter, quarrelling, crying, blinking of eyes, falling, screaming, cycling, watching stars n many more. it was FUN lahhs! its unforgetable for him n her especially ME !! Our First Time !! =))
seems like without him our life would be more peaceful. the moment he's back, all the shouting, scolding n beatings is back too. yesterday wasnt feeling well, after buying my dinner with my siblings, back home. He started shouting n beatings.
why do he beat? everyone must be wondering right?
just becos my brother(big) came home late without informing.
on the way home, i still have confident telling my brother, he wont beat him cuss he's grown up le. but my guess is wrong. he still get beaten up by him. my guess was seriously wrong!
Seeing him get beaten up i so much so much wanted to pull my brother away n stop him from getting beaten. his tears n 'dun wan! i wont come home late le', makes my heart pain. but seeing the red n angry face of his plus the strenght he beaten him up, i back out. He started shouted again! saying we are useless! the older we are, the more useless we are!
Are we really that useless in his eyes?
i walk into the toliet n drop my tears(i need eu at that moment). it just seems like the dark sky is coming AGAIN !!! we are back to the past.
After the beatings, he suddenly called everyone out. Asking me with that tone of his which i hate alOt " why is our house fone not working?!!" i answered, "i dunno!". Den he reply, " dunno right? very good! since house fone cant be use den handphone mind as well dun use!"
Everyone kept quiet! thinking maybe he isnt serious at all!
i went into the toliet again, to change into my pyjamas. He suddenly shouted again, " everyone no need to use fone, switch off ur fone n put inside my room."
i got very very sad n angry, " telling myself Oh my God! how is he going to contact me? how is she going to contact me?" but still no choice, i get v angry, switch off my fone, straight into my dad'd room put my handphone down and leave the room without looking at him!! (thinking im cool?)
everyone got v down n upset. im equally sad too. i seems to being watched by him! still have to bear the shoutings, beatings! when can everything comes to an end? im 18 lehhs ! not 8 years old lehhs! yes! eu are right in saying " im 18! 懂事一点" eu are not in my shoes!
i can say out confidently, if anything happens to eu, would eu approach me firstly? would eu tell me everything at one go? i can say its NO !!! ur reaction will be the same as me, telling me " u're fine!" or eu may not even voiced out anything! thats ur pattern everytime. why izzit eu would wish people around eu to voiced out their worries n sadness to eu den eu wont do any? eu always say, " it takes two hands to clap", why arent eu doing the same things?
knowing that eu are moving this weekend, shock me! this shows that whenever i wanna find eu, i cant see eu in 5 minutes time! when something happens, i cant meet up with eu that fast le. if anything happen in eu, i cant be there so fast too ! i guessed the most happy person would be ur parents n Jian Liang le bahhs! its good to move house, eu can see him anytime eu wan, just like how we two are doing. its just like a cycle. For me n him, still the same. nothing changes. Just that when i move house, he will need more time to walk to my house. or ...? dunno too. its tough on him i noe!
i noe im being selfish on wanting to see eu more everytime without thinking of the long journey eu take, and back home alone in the dark.
why must there be shoutings n screaming? saying this, it make me remembered that day eu shouted at me when crossing the road. it hurts me badly! its the first time eu shouted at me.
will there be the second n third times? have we forgotten the five rules?
that day watching the sea, ur heart is messy, when are eu ready to tell me? or eu dun wish to tell me? just a word from eu and ill noe!
Everyone must be happily welcoming Chinese New Year! Its a great n happy day for all Chinese! but for my family, should say its another public day bahhs still need to stay at home facing him. what does reunion dinner means? does it occur in my family?
Seeing ur family so unite together. i had a mo ming de xian mu. how i wish my family would be laidat too. i dun say its his fault who break this family up n making the relationship worsen but i would say everyone bears a part!
Some people dun treasure the happy times with their family. To me, how i wish My famliy would seat down on the same table n have a meal with their white teeth showing out. Nv leave the table until everyone is full! this wont happen, i noe. maybe my future family? when im a mama? hu noes?
its true that family divorce will bring yin yin to the children. will we still believe in marriage? will our girlfriend/boyfriend treat us so good even after marriage? will there be beatings after marriage? will our children suffer in my or husband's hands? will we have the same outcome?
my parents dun believe that divorce will bring any problem to us. in the past i feel that too. cuss its adult's problem, it has nothing to do with us either. but slowly growing up, i started to believe it really brings harm to children!!
i really wish to relax my thinking! but i guess it doesnt helps any better. after relaxing, facing him with the shoutings m scolding n beatings, makes me Arghhs!
staying at home would be the best solution. no one will get worried for me. ill take care of myself!
Missing eu !! <3
YYY
im lOving iiu .
1:52 PM
