Monday, January 28, 2008
i've been trying hard to endure all this months. trying hard to give in n accepting but in the end what did i get? there is still hurts going on. i didnt blame him at all!! seriously i DO love him. but what he has done for me? did i get the happiness i want? his answer to eu ' den what eu want me to do?' makes me feel like im in the wrong AGAIN !!! i would start to ask myself, where did i go wrong? eu all always ask me to think of something happy! YES! i did! i really do think of something happy. but can this 'something happy' hold me for the rest of my days? at least now i noe... being alone sitting in the bus is also a good way to relieve my pain. although there might be pains too... but ill be able to pull through!! if ONE day i do fall... please give me a hand.
seeing eu post that photo of us makes me feel so sweet! thanks ahhbann! its true that keeping myself away from eu all im feeling better. at least i wont think too much. im not playing mia n keeping quiet. i just feel that this problems doesnt involve anyone especially eu! ahh bann! it doesnt involve eu! i dun wan becos of my problem makes the both of eu quarrel again n giving bad impression of him. keeping silent is better for both parties. i noe eu would say it wont helps any better. but for now.. i really wish to be in peace. i really wish to stay away from anything! i dun wan any pain to come in le. im keeping myself freeze for some time. for sometime only ahh bann. let me be bahhs.
eu are not useless! believe me! eu may think eu cant help. but actually eu did help me alot! at least eu would tell me 'if im in ur shoes.... ... etc" laidat im okaees le. at least i noe im not thinking too much. i cant tell eu whether eu are doing the right thing. but i noe if i were in ur shoes, i would be like eu too! as long as eu tell me ' I WILL BE THERE', thats enuff for me le.
say truely, actually im not that good either. i didnt really protect eu from guys n pains too. im only there with eu giving eye of assurance that "IM HERE!" thats all my dear!
dun worry bout me dear. although im fighting my own battle, maybe in a wrong way, but thinking of eu really makes me feel xing fu le! i really thanks GOD for sending eu to me! im not as cheerful as before, i noe! but in front of my siblings, i do bring a strong face! dun worry!
after hearing so many of the consolation n reading books. maybe for other gals may find me stupid! in the past, i noe very clearly i wont be like this too. but after i met him... he change my life thoroughly! he messed up my life giving me no choice to walk. after so many so many.. my answer is ' I DUN WANNA LOSE HIM'.i noe im making myself miserable.
eu may say im stupid! eu may say im not worthy! for anything eu say, i still choose to go on! i promise him before no matter wad i wont leave him! n this is for sure! i noe i love him alOtts. he didnt even give me the space to breathe. i dunno if im doing the right decision. just tell me ' EU WOULD BE THERE!'
ill pull through! ill stay strong!
YYY
im lOving iiu .
2:13 AM
Sunday, January 27, 2008
today im going to tell eu all a story about a gal n a guy.
the story goes on like this...
they started their relationship happily with the blessing from their friends.they have
separation, sadness, happiness n quarrels too. The RULES they set:
they started their relationship happily with the blessing from their friends.they have
separation, sadness, happiness n quarrels too. The RULES they set:
1)Never say break up no matter how serious both parties quarrelled
2) never say the past thing of both parties
3) tackle on the cause/ problems and not the person
4) no discriminations
5) never raise voice towards your other half
On their FIRST month, the guy told the gal his promise n feelings towards her. it goes
laidat:
* Half of wad i am is made up of wad eu are!
* i Just cant figure out how my life would be without eu!
* You are the melody of my life!
* the day since eu have me, eu wont be alone!
* i will never stop loving you and never regretted choosing eu. Eu are the best choice i could ask for.
* Put urself in my shoes and you wont go wrong, ill guide eu along the way. whatever happens, eu will always be loved by me. My heartbeat is a representative of my lovefor eu!
* eu have the power to control my playing time. You are my Girlfriend! My life is given to eu now! My everything is urs now!im like a robot with the remote controller given to eu!
* ill send eu for motor training. that's my job! =)
* when arguements take place, i will sit back calmly and think of a solution!
the Second month nearing their THIRD month, e gal went overseas for a couples of days with her family! She arrives back in Singapore on their THIRD month, during the days without the gal, the guy write a letter full of feelings towards her. that day he met up with him n pass to her. it goes laidat:
* Eu are the most caring, best, suitable and the gal i would ever wan!
* Will eu promise to take care of me Forever? I promise i will do the same to you!
* An apple a day keeps the doctor away, seeing eu everyday keeps the cloud away.
* Everyhing i do is worth as long as i have your smile.
* My Weekend seems so strange without ur presence. so used to seeing eu all the time but we didnt even get to meet for 5 days le lOhhs! OMG!
Quarrelling takes place On their FOURTH month. after their quarreling the guy told the gal, it goes laidat:
* No matter wad happens i will be there for eu. i will always be the special someone eu can share all ur things with.
* I wanna treat eu and care for eu even better than last time.
* i want to make eu the most happiest woman in the world.
* i will be a tall pillar in which eu can depend on.
* LaOogOng cant do without LaOopo. eu are my shoulder.
* Eu are more impt than myself.
* i promise to give eu the protected feeling that eu lost before.
AFter so many promises n feeling he had told the gal, she came to noe its not true! she cant control his playing time. Not ONCE he sends her for motor training. Recently when arguements take place, he just got angry n hang the fone! He told the gal before his weekend seems strange without her presence. but now, the guy told her 'Even if not meeting up for 7 days is also okaees for me! 'he told her he will be the special someone to share her things, but when she really do shares her things, she got negative comments from him n even scoldings. he told her he will treat n care for her better, but none is working good. he told her he wil be a tall pillar to lean on, but the actions he shows the gal, she hesitated!Everytime after the guy understand the gal more and get disappointed for himself, he takes no changes too. he is always not there when she needs her badly. but she still love the guy alots!
Then, this friend came in n asked the gal:
did he give eu what eu want? when eu need someone badly, is he there? are eu happy with him? can he give eu happiness?eu are 18 years old! eu still have a long way to go! eu have others to choose too. why not just shortcut ur pain? why make urself so miserable? why not just break up?
the gal got really angry n heartpain after hearing this. She noes very clearly she love the guy alOtts! she dun wanna lose him at all! Den she told her friend:
HOW CAN EU SAY THIS!!! we are not breaking the FIRST rule!
her friend replies:
hmms. from here i saw one thing, eu love him alOtt! and he lOve eu alOtt! but nevermind! since eu love him so much, den eu must give him time to change! he may not understand what to do now, but im sure ONE day he may comes to noe!eu may be very miserable now, but maybe after the miserable period, ur future may be full of happiness!
she answered: i noe!
she noes very clearly he will change. it takes time too! but when will it be? 1 year? 5 years? or 10 years? she needs to stand the pain for how long? she needs to stay in the pain for how long? seeing her friends all living so happily with their partner, how will she feel? seeing their partners treating them so nice, how will she feel? the Changes in him makes her so xing ku! the changes in him just came too fast! not having his care n concern. not having his love makes her feel so pain. why does he treat her laidat? thinking she is strong enuff to hold the pain? or its okaees to hurts her cuss she will heal by the time. he's killing her deeply! this story may sound familiar to somebody. what's ur point of view to this story?she deserves it? he's right in doing this? he has his reason in doing this? he really change? etc... ...
today on the way to gym, eu called me teling me to meet up. i say dun wan. i have my reason in saying this. eu expect me to meet up with eu as if nothing has happen to me? or bringing a long face to meet eu? eu dun even noe how i spend my days miserably wanting so much to see eu! den today eu just call n say " lets meet up today! i have time!" what am i to eu? a person that can only meet up with eu only when eu have time? must book eu too? thinking after meeting up we will be back to normal? holding hands joking around walking in streets? i cant do it! i just cant do it! after telling eu i dun wanna meet up, eu hang ur fone once AGAIN!!! eu didnt even care how i feel! on my way home, i accidently send eu the msg that is supposed to send to xiao wei saying im not well! i cant believe ur reply could be ... ... !!! it really do shocks me n HURTS me deeply!!! Eu really change!!!! Eu are not the person i used to noe! where are eu?! eu never understand the pain im having!
-为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解!-
i just got to learn something from Lishao last week. =))
* thoughs that is unknown by people is equal to zero!
* 要学会珍惜才来后悔!
* 事情发生不是单方面的!
* 幸福是要为此的!
* 幸福不是必然的!需要每一天为此!
* 配合对方! 慢慢学会聊天!
* 事情发生就发生了!Focus on solution.事情解决过后,回去看一看!学会什么! ( 辛苦在一起,为什么会这样?)
YYY
im lOving iiu .
1:04 AM
Friday, January 25, 2008
was at home ROTTING !!!! hahaas. was dam bOring n LONELY!!! lonely! i am so lonely! i have nobody!! on my own..... ooooo.......... hahaas.
but im happy that im going out with my secondary school friends next tuesday ehs!!! Damn Excited lOhhs!!! iMiss those Olden days with them. eating breakfast n lunch together. Playing Catching at IMM. having MAcdonald together. lOts n lOts of MEMORIES !!! i really do miss eu all!!!
Just went to view my friendster testimonal n comments. *smiling* it brightens up my days! from their testimonal, i remembered the past me. lOls. the tann, playful, cheerful, kind, nonsense, fierce, act cool, caring etc. lOls. thanks to those friends that had walk past with me this few years. Special thankks to the ONES that i had been close with since Sec 1-4! i miss the days after school being bullied by eu. water splashing by driver. 2.4km run. Cross Country. run away from school. quarrels in school. making trouble together. joking around with eu. playing with my hair. shooting people. void deck seeing eu all smoking *OMG* mixed around with bad companys. pinching eu. beating eu. scolding eu. scolded by eu. running away n hiding from teacher. lOts n lOts n lOts!! especially during break time, staying in class eating the bee hoon together. taking bus home together. playing basketball together. cycle me around. sprain my arms. n many many many! its Just too much CREATED BY EU! EU! EU ! EU! EU! n EU! i MISS eu GUYS!!
where are eu? im missing eu real much! when will the days come again? I hate eu!!! how can eu treat me like this! leaving me alone like a LONELY girl without anyone! do eu noe how unbearable it is? eu came into my life n tell me all the promises.. but now? why has it become an empty shell? eu told me eu would make a new experience for our love life which i will never expected coming from eu! Yes! eu did it! i really didnt expected it would be in this way! =(( im DAM DOWN !!!
i love eu Mr Changed
this song is specially for my dear AHH BANN de !! rmb me telling eu this song? dunno why this few days i kept thinking of eu lehhs! ahh bann! im LONELY man! I MISS YOU !!!
im thinking of eu.... LEE XIAO WEI.. AHH BANN!!! lOvees~
YYY
im lOving iiu .
4:03 PM
Thursday, January 17, 2008
yesterday is another waterfall for me AGAIN! i hate this type of me! i dun understand why eu all cant accept him! i dun understand why cant eu stand in my shoes n think. and stop using the ASSUME to say me! i HATE it! i seriously hate it! was unable to relax my mind. At home in my room kept crying. msg him TWICE ! he didnt call me at all! he didnt even noe how much i need him.
went out of my house to relax my mood. den i saw Xian Hao below my house again. i tot i could control my tears, but my eyes were swollen n red. walking towards him n ask ' why were eu here?' den he replies'why eu cried?!' i shouted at him 'IM ASKING EU WHY ARE YOU HERE!!' den i walk off without controlling my tears. he chase after me calling out my names twice! Thankks Xian Hao! and... ... im really sorry for shouting at eu twice which this matters doesnt concern eu at all. im really sorry. im really in a lousy mood yesterday! ill stay HAPPY! =))
kept walking n walking alOne around the HDB flat crying den i came to a car park near to the big playground. standing up there, looking at the stars, crying. starting to think 'what had actually happen to me? all this that happen izzit what i wish for? where are you?!!' bout 1 hour den i walk home slowly. back home, i tot i would be alright. but not at all. the tears is still falling.i called eu n asked 'not sleeping ah?' eu replies in that normal tone, 'going le lOhhs. why?' im totally... ... telling eu ' nothing. go sleep lOhhs! ' den i called ahh bann, she never pick up due to some reason. i can understand.
have eu ever tried understanding me? i've tried understanding you. but eu just wont let me go into ur world. Do eu understand e stress im having? do eu noe what my heart really wants? when i needed eu real much, where are eu? when im having stress with my motor, where are you? when im stress, where are you? when im inside my room crying, where are you? when im sick, where are you? i'll help eu to answer!!! You are sleeping, shopping and work!!!
i can understand eu have stress n unhappiness too! but! did eu tried sharing it with me? you would rather share with her than me! what am i in ur heart? Just another person? or stranger? if i wanna see ur real n bright smile, only she is able to do it!! Eu told me, she n I are different! How are we differernt? she's ur most precious person n im just another person? Arent I important to eu too?!!!
i just hope eu can really change for the better! please!!
please take care of urself! im really worried bout eu! i hope eu will really be happy always! please! im begging eu! im started to get very very worried bout eu le! God bless eu please!!!
dun think that eu really noes me well when eu actually dont! eu dun understand the fear, the stress, the sadness n the things i actualy want! Please dun show me as if eu really do UNDERSTAND me when EU DONT at all!!
what should i do? i feel that i need to see a counsellor. am i having heart problem? Arghhs! Stupid me!
YYY
im lOving iiu .
2:24 PM
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
yesterday just got a 'big present' from my dad! was deeply HURTS !! his words really bring lots of hurt too all of my siblings plus me. he says 生人没有生脑! 你们这些人真的是没有用!一个一个都是没有脑的!全部都是小偷！不可以相信的！ told xiao wei bout our childhood monsters memories! (被爸爸‘虐待’)she was kind of shock n can finally understand how we walk thru le bahhs. nothing much to say bout this too! i just hope his words wont be so harsh anymore le.
heard from someone saying he dun lyk him always insulting people n straightforward. he dislikes this kind of him. but other areas he is still ok with it. maybe one day he will tell him how he thinks bout him! and maybe one day he'll change for the better !
it doesnt feel good when people thinks bad about urself! they may not understand eu n anyhow give negative thoughts bout eu. but it seriously hurts too when somehow this person eu noe is quite close. any misunderstanding cant be solved too! so i really wish eu would not think so much bout anyone! n TRUST everyone around eu. just like the way eu wish people will treat eu. any happy or dislikes just says out freely n openly. dun hide it inside ur heart! eu may not noe, ur words can change someone too! dun be hesitate to do this. eu might be afraid the ship may break but do eu noe, TRUE friends pick on ur bad points n correct eu ! eu can do it! we can do it too! dun say eu dun have any good friend, if eu feel like giving us a 'just friend' medal, we accept it toO! cuss we noe, we'll stil treat eu as our 'good friend'. n IM SURE one day we will get promoted in ur heart too ! We can do it! so can eu ! Smile! =)
people tends to take things for granted! 生在福中不知福！ why izzit laidat?!
YYY
im lOving iiu .
10:29 PM
Monday, January 14, 2008
taken at the wedding dinner(from left to right: Ke Jing, Wen Qi n me )
having alOt of things to write. but... ... i dunno how to start too. its too complicated for the past few days. alOt of things happen.
YYY
im lOving iiu .
12:00 AM
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
came across this mail send by Jian Liang:
there are 4 things eu cannot be recover.
The Stone After the throw !
The Word After its Said !
The Time After Its Gone !
The Occassion After the Loss !
Ju Yee helps me to Suan Ming ehs! =)) im the person that:
一直追求成功, 不知足, 经常在压力重重的环境下劳碌, 有许多的机会并有能力, 很情绪化, 乐观, 思想开放, 很有教养, 办事能力高, 不够细心.
really? some i find it true! but some.. i dunno! lOls. =D
put urself in other peoples shoes ! bear this in mind guys ! im refering to EU !!!
YYY
im lOving iiu .
11:01 PM
Monday, January 07, 2008
i guess i really miss eu too much le bahhs. hearing ur voice makes me feel tat eu are actually so near but yet so far. dunno wad im saying too. nvm.
hearing ur voice makes me so happy. happy till tears run out n still keeping quiet showing im fine. talking in that stupid manner eu dun like. but i didnt meant it. cuss im really too happy to FINALLY hear ur voice as i nv heard any of ur news n voice for the past five days. silly me!
shud say thanks to xiao wei for keeping me accompany today. was a boring day though but with Jian liang, her n her sis makes it brighter again. =))
wanted to tell eu at the very first minute that i had pass my practical training which i had a hard time always. thinking maybe eu would susprised me by waiting for me at driving center but no. wasnt that disppointed lahhs. cuss expected de. lOls. kept keeping to myself wanting to tell eu in person n wanted eu to noe n share my joy but cant le. haiis. cuss i had already told jian liang when he ask me today.
i feel im really dead the past few days. so DAMN DAMN boring staying at home!!! anyone free to ask me out ? !!! Just anyone!!! im really going to be dead le!!!! Arghhs!!!!
went to singapore airlines website that day. theres an interview for stewardess on 27 January. was quite nervous n still deciding. maybe need more opinion. or maybe after my exams? or after my driving lesson? or after taking my degree course? or... ...? dunno too! im too messy bout my future path.
wasnt feeling well this few days. stomach pain. flu. cough. =((
an apple a day keeps e doctor away. =))
YYY
im lOving iiu .
6:22 PM
Friday, January 04, 2008
2007 just ended. suddenly had a thinking telling me, ' i went thru January to December not that easily den comes January again. =x lOls. Stupid thinking uh?
Our first Chalet with him, her, them, they was really fun! especially countdown n when we are starting to have our steamboat. "kai dong lahhs!" with the claps, laughter, quarrelling, crying, blinking of eyes, falling, screaming, cycling, watching stars n many more. it was FUN lahhs! its unforgetable for him n her especially ME !! Our First Time !! =))
seems like without him our life would be more peaceful. the moment he's back, all the shouting, scolding n beatings is back too. yesterday wasnt feeling well, after buying my dinner with my siblings, back home. He started shouting n beatings.
why do he beat? everyone must be wondering right?
just becos my brother(big) came home late without informing.
on the way home, i still have confident telling my brother, he wont beat him cuss he's grown up le. but my guess is wrong. he still get beaten up by him. my guess was seriously wrong!
Seeing him get beaten up i so much so much wanted to pull my brother away n stop him from getting beaten. his tears n 'dun wan! i wont come home late le', makes my heart pain. but seeing the red n angry face of his plus the strenght he beaten him up, i back out. He started shouted again! saying we are useless! the older we are, the more useless we are!
Are we really that useless in his eyes?
i walk into the toliet n drop my tears(i need eu at that moment). it just seems like the dark sky is coming AGAIN !!! we are back to the past.
After the beatings, he suddenly called everyone out. Asking me with that tone of his which i hate alOt " why is our house fone not working?!!" i answered, "i dunno!". Den he reply, " dunno right? very good! since house fone cant be use den handphone mind as well dun use!"
Everyone kept quiet! thinking maybe he isnt serious at all!
i went into the toliet again, to change into my pyjamas. He suddenly shouted again, " everyone no need to use fone, switch off ur fone n put inside my room."
i got very very sad n angry, " telling myself Oh my God! how is he going to contact me? how is she going to contact me?" but still no choice, i get v angry, switch off my fone, straight into my dad'd room put my handphone down and leave the room without looking at him!! (thinking im cool?)
everyone got v down n upset. im equally sad too. i seems to being watched by him! still have to bear the shoutings, beatings! when can everything comes to an end? im 18 lehhs ! not 8 years old lehhs! yes! eu are right in saying " im 18! 懂事一点" eu are not in my shoes!
i can say out confidently, if anything happens to eu, would eu approach me firstly? would eu tell me everything at one go? i can say its NO !!! ur reaction will be the same as me, telling me " u're fine!" or eu may not even voiced out anything! thats ur pattern everytime. why izzit eu would wish people around eu to voiced out their worries n sadness to eu den eu wont do any? eu always say, " it takes two hands to clap", why arent eu doing the same things?
knowing that eu are moving this weekend, shock me! this shows that whenever i wanna find eu, i cant see eu in 5 minutes time! when something happens, i cant meet up with eu that fast le. if anything happen in eu, i cant be there so fast too ! i guessed the most happy person would be ur parents n Jian Liang le bahhs! its good to move house, eu can see him anytime eu wan, just like how we two are doing. its just like a cycle. For me n him, still the same. nothing changes. Just that when i move house, he will need more time to walk to my house. or ...? dunno too. its tough on him i noe!
i noe im being selfish on wanting to see eu more everytime without thinking of the long journey eu take, and back home alone in the dark.
why must there be shoutings n screaming? saying this, it make me remembered that day eu shouted at me when crossing the road. it hurts me badly! its the first time eu shouted at me.
will there be the second n third times? have we forgotten the five rules?
that day watching the sea, ur heart is messy, when are eu ready to tell me? or eu dun wish to tell me? just a word from eu and ill noe!
Everyone must be happily welcoming Chinese New Year! Its a great n happy day for all Chinese! but for my family, should say its another public day bahhs still need to stay at home facing him. what does reunion dinner means? does it occur in my family?
Seeing ur family so unite together. i had a mo ming de xian mu. how i wish my family would be laidat too. i dun say its his fault who break this family up n making the relationship worsen but i would say everyone bears a part!
Some people dun treasure the happy times with their family. To me, how i wish My famliy would seat down on the same table n have a meal with their white teeth showing out. Nv leave the table until everyone is full! this wont happen, i noe. maybe my future family? when im a mama? hu noes?
its true that family divorce will bring yin yin to the children. will we still believe in marriage? will our girlfriend/boyfriend treat us so good even after marriage? will there be beatings after marriage? will our children suffer in my or husband's hands? will we have the same outcome?
my parents dun believe that divorce will bring any problem to us. in the past i feel that too. cuss its adult's problem, it has nothing to do with us either. but slowly growing up, i started to believe it really brings harm to children!!
i really wish to relax my thinking! but i guess it doesnt helps any better. after relaxing, facing him with the shoutings m scolding n beatings, makes me Arghhs!
staying at home would be the best solution. no one will get worried for me. ill take care of myself!
Missing eu !! <3
YYY
im lOving iiu .
1:52 PM
